2 –Basketball Math
Abdul was the best basketball player in the universe. All he has to o is burp and he made a perfectly good shot.
One day, Kobe Bryant challenged Abdul into a match. Who ever won would become the Most Valuable Player.
Abdul took that opportunity as a chance to be a M.V.P. So every day he practiced and practiced. A lot of people encouraged him.
Today was the day he had to face Kobe Bryant. He was very excited. The match was about to start.
The match started right now! Kobe got the ball and made a dunk on his face. Abdul got mad he made a lot of three pointers. Abdul couldn’t believe it He won! And that is how I became a M.V.P.
Dear Young Writer,
ReplyDeleteI just read your piece titled, "Basketball." The hook was enjoyable, I thought the imagery of burping a great basketball shot was quite amusing.
The supporting paragraphs could be more descriptive. For instance: How hard did Abdul work? How did people encourage him? Is there a "juicier" word than "excited" you could use?
The last paragraph has more impressive imagery with Kobe dunking on Abdul's face, but is there a way you could use a FANBOY in the third sentence. A surprise ending can be difficult to pull off, however I liked the fact that this piece was autobiographical.
Excellent basketball story! Sports and competition can be fun and exciting. And becoming M.V.P. is quite the thing.
ReplyDeleteI like that Abdul practiced and practiced and that he had people around him who encouraged him. Those are both very good things.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. ^_^
Love, Granny